Seasons

I recently had an aha! moment. I was sitting at the adult session of stake conference, listening to a talk by an older gentleman on he and his wife's preparation for a mission. I felt really envious. I remembered having that kind of time to focus on spiritual things, to study the scriptures in-depth. I remembered well the incredible spirit associated with preparing for, and serving, a mission. Then came the thought, accompanied by a lot of peace and love, "You did that once, you'll be able to do it again with Tyler in the future...but now is a different season."

My big AHA! was that I realized that I measure my spirituality now based on what I was able to do then. Because I don't have the time or energy now to focus the way that I could when I was single and had only myself to worry about, I have almost always felt inadequate spiritually since I've become a mother. And that is so wrong. I am performing a greater act of service, with so much more sacrifice, as a mother...why would I feel like I am less now than I was then?!

I think there are a few reasons. 1) Satan does everything he can to make us feel like we are inadequate. Of course he is going to work hard on mothers who are doing their darnedest to raise children in love and righteousness. 2) Motherhood does not lend itself to high praise. Although I know that I am appreciated, I don't hear about it as often. In my calling as Relief Society Pres. in a single's ward and then on my mission I received a lot of praise and outward expressions of love for the service I was giving. I think I came to associate that with my feelings about myself. Does that make sense? If I'm doing a good job, then others will be telling me so. How shallow. It's kind of embarrassing for me to admit that, but it's true.

I am in a different season of life. I have always really, really, really loved being a mother. I feel like this is what I was born to do. And I want to be clear that I am not saying that there are no rewards for being a mother. There are HUGE rewards. What I am talking about in this post is how I view myself in the midst of it and how I feel about my relationship with God.

I have thought a lot about this since I heard that talk about a month ago. I've realized that I need to adjust my thinking on spirituality. I also need to adjust my relationship with Heavenly Father. It's me and Him. No one else is going to let me know how I am doing spiritually or where I stand. I will seek His approval and only His approval. That has lead me to look a little bit deeper at my life and think of things I have done in the past that I still need to repent of. They were there all the time, but I needed to draw closer to The Light - not the limelight - so that I could see them better. A beautiful thing that has happened in this past month is that Heavenly Father has been showering me with love. I feel like every time I turn around He is showing me in yet another way how much He loves me. My prayers have been heard and answered. Some of that has, indeed, come through other people - a friend reminded me that time spent with my pure little children are spiritual times and so it's okay if I don't get to my scriptures every single day. Sometimes it's hard to remember that when they are throwing tantrums or being extra whiny :) But much of it has come directly to my heart through the Spirit. Heavenly Father knows that my prayers that sometimes get cut off by a child in need are enough. Or even the times that I have to rush off in the morning and then remember to pray on our way to run errands or go to story time are still acceptable prayers to Him. The chapter or two of scriptures that I get to skim each day (or sometimes the few verses) still give me strength. I know that He is aware of me. I am such a work in (slow) progress, but I am working. And isn't that what He asks? I haven't made all of the changes in my thinking about all of this yet, but I am so grateful for the little aha's! that I've been blessed with so far.

I am grateful for this season. And my best is enough.