I think I have some postpartum depression. I've been totally denying it for a while, hoping that I could just pull myself out of it. It's not happening. I've also felt ashamed and guilty. Ashamed because I don't like admitting "weaknesses" and guilty because I feel like I should only be depressed if I have kids who are hard to handle. Like admitting I am depressed means that I think my kids are horrible (which I don't) or that I don't like being a mom (because I do). Does that make sense? Is it totally ridiculous? Such is the state of my mind these days.
I am functioning. I am smiling. I am laughing. I even find joy in my everyday life. I doubt that anyone around me knows that something is wrong. But it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and if I give myself two minutes to sit and think I go deeper into "the hole". I have prayed. I've read my scriptures diligently. I play and laugh with my kids often. I have moments that are good. But then the anxiety/sadness return.
I feel...
- Lonely. Tyler has to be gone several nights a week - with school and then Young Mens. I feel like we barely have time to talk.
- Overwhelmed. I'm a single mom many nights and I'm taking classes online and I have three kids under the age of four and I have to carve out time to train for the 1/2 marathon and Ragnar I'm running this summer.
- Lame. I know that there are MANY women who do much more with much less support and so I feel lame for feeling the way that I am feeling; like I have no right to complain. It could always be worse/harder, right? I know that in my head, but it doesn't make me feel better. And I think that shoving these feelings down has made it all worse.
Ugh. I just can't shake it. I want to have a day to sit and cry and talk to my husband and best friend for hours and go shopping or do something by myself that requires me to shower and look pretty and then return home to happy kids who've missed their mom and want to give me kisses. But there are diapers to change, cute little mouths to feed, a babe to nurse, kids to dress and entertain...and that's the thing, I really LOVE doing those things. So how is it that it all seems too much sometimes?! Why do I want to cry every 5 minutes and never stop?
So what should I do? Go see a doctor? A therapist? Keep plugging along? I know this is a pretty public forum to share this information, but I want advice. I want experiences from others to draw from. And I think mostly my dear friends read this anyway. :) That's all I have to say for today. Happiness in the form of my very cute children and the celebration of my oldest boy turning 4 years old will return to the blog in a few days....life really is good, I'm just depressed (I think).
17 comments:
sweet, gorgeous, always looking at the bright side Dana--- you are not alone. I feel/have felt all of those things at it is very normal. I don't know why having a baby is so difficult, but it is. We are physically and emotionally messed up and to add to that, our world has changed and our routine has been pulled out from under us. That doesn't mean we aren't thrilled to have the baby (or any of our kids :). It just means that we are going through a growth time in our lives. I wanted my little baby so badly. He is six months old and I am still screwed up!!! I don't have any advice for you, but I know that we "strong" women don't like to talk about it. I've almost written a post like this several hundred times on my blog but I shy away from it because it trivializes what other moms go through-- the REAL hard, deep depression. I just have a gray cloud following me around. It's very normal. I love you and know that when we go through these experiences we grow and are able to relate more to others. Do whatever you need to do-- see a doc, a therapist, run, whatever it is. I haven't found a cure yet so when you find something that works, let me know!
and I need your phone number. I've really wanted to call you, but I have no digits. Will you email them to me? Loves!
I love you so much sister! I really don't have any advice other then to let you know that I am/have been there. I wish I had the right words for you right now so that I could fix the problem, I wish that I lived next door to you so that I could have Trent watch the kids so we could go out for a girls night, I wish that life could always be wonderful. I love you so much Dana and just know that you are NOT ALONE in feeling the way you do. I do agree that Janet, we can grow from our experiences and to me that is a little comforting to know that even when we are struggling, we can learn and grow. I think you are AMAZING and I am grateful for you. Please don't ever hesitate to call if you need anything! Even (especially) just to talk! LOVE YOU D!
Well you know me, and know what I have been through in the last 8 years of marriage and being a Mom. Each pregnancy has brough on depression, and is seems to have gotten harder throughout the years. I found that when I was to the point of not 'fixing' it myself by doing things I knew worked, for me personally, it was time to go to my doctor and get some medication. I took that medication until I knew I could function without it. Meaning not cry or feel those lows, where I could get up and do those motherly 'duties'.
What I think you need to do, is to get a blessing from Tyler, pray and seek the guidance of our Heavenly Father! I have found when I am in these lows, I hate to admit this, but praying is hard for me because I don't feel I am open enough to get answers. And when I am at that point I get a blessing where the words can be spoken outloud to me, so that I along with Jeff can hear them.
I love you so much and I am sorry you are dealing with this! It sucks, it's not fair that we have to go through all the physical changes of having a baby, on top of emotional and hormonal changes!
To me your much stronger of a person for admitting you are dealing with this, than going on in silence trying to do it alone!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that you can find some answers to help you out!
I'm so sorry, Dana. Having three kids under four has got to be difficult! And also not having your husband around a lot just adds to the exhaustion. I totally know how you are feeling on that one.
My advice is go to your Dr. and get something to help you. It's worth a shot. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. Hey, you are talking to a girl that is the queen of anxiety and I have been on medication for the past three years and it has helped me SO much.
I'll be praying for you. Love you lots!!!!!
Oh sweet Danalin.
The fact that you are acknowledging the depression out loud is a huge step when it comes to depression. I went through post partum depression about 6 months after Ainslee was born. I had lost all the baby weight, was feeling great with my life, had worked out a new routine, and was on top of the world when all of the sudden it hit me like a bus. The hardest part for me was not acknowledging the problem. I would not "allow" myself to be depressed. I was a strong woman, and strong women do not get depressed. Oh how out of the loop I was! Real depression is about chemical imbalances, not about how strong or weak you are, not about how wonderful or awful your life around you is. Unfortunately for me, I ignored it for too long (almost a year) before doing anything about it. My husband suffered, my girls suffered, my own self worth suffered because of it. I agree with Beth, getting a blessing and guidance through prayer will help. If it doesn't seem to be going away or getting better you can try the medication. I never took meds myself, by the time I admitted I was depressed, I'd already started coming out of it, but I know many people who have benefited from them. Just know that you are loved, and sometimes, even us "strong" women need a little help sometimes!
my dear sister,
I can say with full love and support that I was there too. You are an incredibly MIGHTY woman of the Lord. Everyday life gets the best of us and sometimes we buckle. But it doesn't mean that we aren't the SUPER MAMAS that the Lord has blessed us to be.
I began postpartum depression when Khristian James was 8/9 months old. I started working part time, juggling the kids and most of the time as a "single mom" since Sam has to be at work so often. Being a mama of three really is demanding, and the imbalances in our hormones and just plain tiredness (not to mention a wee one is relying on us as their main or in your case sole food source) causes a chemical imbalance. There were days where I just sat...didn't move and just sat. I couldn't cry. I was screaming inside, but nothing. Nevermind me suffering, but Sam did and the kids did. The whole time is such a blur when I think of it now. I do remember that I was able to write how I felt, I just couldn't physically speak about anything. If I went out and had to be social it seemed as nothing was wrong to others....other than I was more quiet than usual. I put on a smile and went about my day.
I believe prayer was the strongest thing and still is. Receiving a blessing is probably the first step to take. Then communicating to someone in someway about how you are feeling. For me I had a very supportive group of girlfriends who had been through depression and it helped so very much to know that they understood. Not only that they understood but there understanding that I also needed space and time. Only time can mend it. There were a few people who were upset that I didn't' want to talk about it, but they also hadn't gone through depression. Going through it has taught me so much about myself and life. You will grow from this. It will make you an even BETTER mother and wife. It truly makes you realize so much. I know prayers from others is what got me through. It lasted about a month. The days just started to get easier and I started to truly laugh again. And smile. And cry.
You will be in my prayers. You will get through this. Do what you know is right for YOU. Take care of you and allow someone to take care of you. You're the rock of your family....they need you and will get a better you back! But take your time.... Your allowed to feel all the mixed emotions that you are feeling....it's OK....
I love you sooo much! Please don't hesitate to ever ask if you need anything!
I agree with what everyone else has said. I DO think it would be wise to talk with your doctor and/or see a counselor. It certainly couldn't hurt, and they might really have some suggestions that could make a big difference. I went to a counselor shortly before I graduated from BYU and in only one session, she gave me advice that was so powerful, it is still helping me today.
Also, I would suggest getting rid of all of the extras in your life unless they fully contribute to helping alleviate your discouragement and depression. Going to school and marathon training are great, for example, if they help relieve stress/depression, but if not, do not hesitate to put them off until a later time. You know what I mean? There is a time and a season for everything. Recently, I had been asked to take charge of the fourth year hike, and I agreed. Several weeks later, I realized that this extra duty was only contributing to the stress I was already struggling through. I knew that it would be totally awkward and embarrassing to back out of it, but I also knew that it wasn't fair to my family to go through with it at (largely) THEIR expense. I DID end up telling the camp director I couldn't do it after all, and I have felt worlds better since. Heck, I'd say that you may even talk with Tyler about requesting to be released from his calling if that's what could really help your family. I'm just saying don't feel bad about making any changes that might help get you back to where you want to be. Nothing we do is nearly as important as taking care of our families, and in order to do that, we sometimes need help taking care of ourselves.
Anyway, hang in there, Dana. I will be praying for you, too.
It's funny to look at how much all of us have to say. It's seems pretty obvious that we're all in this together. :)
Dana, Dana, Dana,
Let me just say, I'm depressed just reading about ALL you have going on. It's TOO much--no wonder you're feeling this way. When Will was born he never slept, so I never slept so I had some serious sleep-deprived depression--basically, I just couldn't function. Even if Everett is a great baby--it is STILL SO HARD to have a newborn. So, I have somewhat repetetive advice for you but here goes.
1. Rely on Tyler as much as you can. I agree with your other friend, maybe it's time for him to take a hiatus from something so he can be there for you. It's okay to ask him to do that. There is really no better support than that which comes from your hubby.
2. Get RID of anything you don't need in your life. Can you postpone schooling for now? Can you train for a 5k or 10k? I know exercise is WONDERFUL but if it is an extra stress in your life, why make it that way? Just make a more realistic goal.
3. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. If I were there, I would so watch your kids, or hire a babysitter so we could go hang out. But it's worth a few bucks, or calling in a favor to take time for yourself. I had the hardest time walking away from my motherly duties when Will was little, but I can't stress how important it is.
4. ASK FOR HELP: from your visiting teachers, neighbors, compassionate service leader. That is what they are there for. Have them come and take your kids for a while so you can rest, run, relax. Or if you just need to talk. THEY WOULD LOVE TO!
5. This may be a silly one, but one I would totally do. Sign up the older two for preschool or something (or do a friends exchange or something) so that when Everett naps in the mornings, you can have time to do what YOU need to do.
6. Get a blessing. That can do wonders.
7. See a counselor so you can talk. If he/she thinks you need medication, then by all means, don't shy away from it. I wouldn't jump on the medication band wagon immediately, but don't be afraid, if all else fails.
I think you're wonderful. I think being a mom of three little kids is just plain hard. But add into that all you got going on and it's next to impossible. Plus, newborns are time-consuming. I SOOOOOO wish I could hop on over to your house and help you out. But also know this: this too shall pass. I really, really hope you get the help you need and that all starts to look up soon! Love ya and thinking of you and praying for you!
Oh Dana,
It's such a hard part of being a mom and wife, but what you are experiencing is perfectly normal! It sounds like you are clinically depressed and you need some help with the chemical unbalance in your life......get to the doc and have him prescribe some meds....you won't need to be on them forever, but they will help you get through your depression. I'm praying for you, too.
Hey Dana--
I read your blog post last night and and had a hard time falling asleep trying to think of some comforting words, but I really just agree with what everyone else has said!
You really do have a lot going on, and you're COMPLETELY valid in feeling the way you do! I guess what I mean is, it's okay to validate yourself and the way you're feeling. I think feeling lame and guilty for the depression is normal because you have such high expectations for yourself, but in many ways the lameness and guilt lead to the downward spiral that's hard to get out of. I know it's difficult, but it may help to just let yourself feel sad and do those things that will help you cope with being sad without feeling guilty. Does that make sense?
The other thing I thought of is that while you're doing whatever you need to do, whether it's changing your schedule, taking time for yourself, trying to get more sleep, talking through it to whoever, just remember that it's just TEMPORARY. This is not the real you that you're turning into for the rest of your life. We all know how absolutely wonderful you are and how much we look up to you!! And that "you" will be back some day, sure as can be.
I remember once I was really depressed and we were both at the Fosters house and you told me to get a blessing. I think blessings are so great because it's a sure way to feel how tangible the Lord's love is for you and how valid your concerns are to Him, in a way that's difficult to achieve always in personal prayers. It also helps our husbands realize what a difficult time we're going through.
I do think you're courageous for confronting this thing head-on and posting about it on your blog. It's not whining or complaining at all. I think it shows what a humble, wonderful person you are.
Most of all, know how much support you have. We're all praying for you. I really wish I lived closer so I could be there to cry with you and watch your kids so you could go shopping or do something fun. You'll get through it. I love you tons!
Dana, I love ya so much. You are a wonderful mom and wife . I do think it is a good idea to go to the doctor. They can check hormone levels and other things to make sure there are no underlying issues. And an anti-depressant can work wonders. I have been on them at times in my life. Sleep is sooo important. don't underestimate its importance. Love ya lots Sheri
Hi Dana,
Thanks for your honest post about post partum depression. I suffered from post partum depression for 8 months after Liesel was born. Part of it was my thyroid wasn't functioning normally, so that is worth checking out (it is an easy blood test). I would talk to your doctor (ob-gyn) about options. Ask your family to pray for you as well. There is comfort in knowing that you have family praying for and thinking about you as often as they pray.
Life as a new mom/mom of little kids is mostly boring, mundane, tiring, stressful, messy, and sometimes sweet, lovely, and rewarding. It sounds like your heart is in the right place but your chemicals/hormones aren't.
Getting through this is the most important thing right now because everything trickles down from you. Read your patriarchal blessing, ask Tyler to fast for you, take some alone time, and (like everyone else has said) really decide with the Lord's help which activities should occupy your life right now, and tweak what needs to be tweaked.
This too shall pass. It doesn't feel like it in the middle of it, and I know that you feel really alone. But you aren't, ever.
love, beth
Sweet Dana,
I totally agree with the Madsen Family comment. While medication might not be the FIRST step, it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of if it is decided it is the BEST step to take. When I was in school and pregnant with my 3rd, I had an overwhelming urge to just hop on the next plane outta here to where ever it might be going and just completely start a whole new life, that's how completely overwhelmed, stressed, sleep deprived, and I'll even say 'crazy', I got. When I eliminated some of the pressures that I was placing on myself that weren't true neccessities I began to come back into balance, but it took time. The 3rd one is a game changer, everyone told me that but I didn't think it was true til he was here and he sure was. Be patient with yourself through this process. Know you are loved by so many. But especially remember you are a beautiful daughter of God. He knows you and will help you to make the best decision. I love you. Wish I was close enough to give you a hug.
Hi Dana,
You are not alone and it's not weird and you do make sense. I had it pretty bad with Min. I don't remember if I talked to you about it or not but all of what you blogged about is normal with this. I made it through and you will too. You are a strong person and have a beautiful family. I don't really know what kind of advice to give and I don't feel like I qualify but I never took meds because they make me more anxious so I did the congnative sp ? behavior therapy. If you are really interested please give me a call because I purchased this program a little before loren and I got together and I pick it up whenever I need to refresh those skills. You can purchase it online and it is so worth the money. I love you dana and keep your head up and I will keep you in my prayers.
Love,
Sarah
PS. Not really any of my business, but are you on birth control?
I was on birth control for 10 months (before I had my babe)and it made me depressed/in a haze/not myself. I was sorry it took me so long to realize it was the birth control. I even tried 3 different kinds, but each had the same effect to varying degrees. A roomate of mine had a similiar experience after her 2nd baby. It took her 3 months to realize it was the birth control, and not something else. Maybe worth a try to quit it if you are on it.
love, beth
Dana, I am just now reading this and sitting at my computer crying. I have only felt moments of this (I am not as busy as you are) but I had a really good friend go through postpartum depression and what she would say is go to the doctor and get on medication. It is not weak and nothing is going to correct the hormone imballance except medication.
I could give advice of other things you could do to try and fix the situation (similar to what everyone else has said) but what my friend would say is don't be ashamed to be on medication to truly fix the problem. You will probably only have to be on it for a few months before the elephant is no longer on your chest.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for the best in your life. :) You'll get through this and be stronger on the other side.
Oh, my sweet friend...I'm just getting caught up on your blog. I love your honesty in this post. I have no advice, but want to send you my love. My heart goes out to you during this struggle. Being a mommy is the best and hardest thing all at the same time. I frequently struggle with trying to figure out if all of my feelings of anxiety, stress, lonlines, ect fall in the "normal" category. It's so hard to tell. Anyway, you encompass everything I'm trying to be. I admire you so much. Those three little babies are SOOOO lucky to have you. Only sweat the small stuff and seek help if needs be. Good luck to you!!!
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