and I'm a guilt-aholic. Seriously. I am addicted to feeling guilty. I'll explain, but let me start with a story:
Several years ago I was taking one of those color personality tests. You know what I'm talking about? There are about 100 multiple choice questions, some of the questions have positive attributes and some have negative. With each question, you choose the one that best describes you and by taking the bad and the good, they give you a score which tells you your 'type' of personality. Well, I was stumped by one question. I read it many times and then finally continued, tagging it to come back to at the end. I finished the rest of the questions and then came back to the question that had me stumped. I'll explain my confusion. It was one of the questions with a grouping of negative attributes. I don't remember what the other ones were, but there was one that just didn't seem to belong in the negative category. I voiced that to my mom who was doing something in the kitchen. I commented about it a couple of times out loud while I was trying to resolve it in my mind. "I just can't understand why they have one positive attribute grouped with negative." Seriously perplexed. Finally my mom had me read the question. I read them all and then said, "and they put 'demanding' in there with those!" I heard nothing but laughter for the next 5 minutes, followed by an "Oh, sweetie" when she realized that I was serious and had tears in my eyes. It had never occurred to me that being demanding wasn't a desirable attribute. I was a very demanding young lady and I felt like that was the way to get things done. By being demanding, others knew what I wanted/expected and I was rarely disappointed because I had so much control over what happened. (I remember even telling my mom when to tell me that I was wonderful and beautiful and a great person...and I seriously felt good when she said it even though I had just told her what to say) BUT I felt that I was demanding in the nicest possible way. It was one of those moments that makes you really step back and look closely at how you want to act and interact with others. It was a life-changing aha! moment. I'm probably still demanding, but at least now I know that it's not such a desirable attribute. :)
Okay, now for my most recent aha! moment...
Lately I have been striving to draw closer to Heavenly Father and I feel like I am getting that relationship back on track. I love the feeling. There's something about drawing closer to His light that shows the dirt and grime a little bit better. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" Ether 12:27 in the Book of Mormon (I don't know how to do that tricky thing where you can click on 'Book of Mormon' and it will take you to lds.org or mormon.org to find out more...so please visit either of those sites should you want to know more). As I have felt closer to Heavenly Father recently, the fact that I often lay the guilt on VERY thick has been weighing on my mind. I've never, until the past few weeks, considered that to be a weakness. I always felt like I was being sensitive and that the guilt helped me to be better. That would be true if I were only allowing a healthy amount of guilt to be heaped upon my heart. But I take it to the extreme. My mom and Tyler have been the only people in my life to point it out, although I am sure that others have noticed. My mom always called me the "hair shirt girl" - I guess people used to wear hair shirts as punishment (?) and she pointed out that I would take it out and put it on myself often. Tyler is constantly telling me to "let the guilt go!" He has also told me several times that I must love feeling guilty, otherwise I wouldn't have the feeling so often. I have always laughed it off or adamantly disagreed. No longer! It's true. I must like it. I think it's an addiction, a terrible kind of addiction because it has kept me from feeling about myself the way that Heavenly Father would want me to feel. I barely remember the last time I didn't have a huge pit in my stomach about something...I let Max watch more than an hour of TV; George, Clifford AND Super Why! - I got lazy and didn't make a dinner that would have leftovers for Tyler to take to work - I didn't get the bathrooms done today even though I DID do all of the laundry and the floors and took Max and Kelly to the library and the park - I stopped for a few steps during my run because I was tired. I am even battling a huge feeling of guilt about the fact that I have allowed guilt to rule so much of my life!
I realize that this sounds ridiculous and you may even be having a chuckle right now. Rightly so. But I am really serious about this being a serious inner struggle. It is a debilitating weakness. I've shed many tears over this the past few days. I feel so frustrated. I've had an epiphany that I don't think I can adequately explain here. I feel that this weakness has prevented me from becoming the best version of myself. When I am overcome with feelings of guilt, I can feel myself withdrawing from my Father in Heaven. I have so many negative thoughts about who I am and what I can accomplish because NOTHING I do is good enough; there is always something that I could have done better. I am praying and working to get rid of this terrible addiction. It is so true that I actually look for things to feel guilty about. My husband has been right all along. As I am praying and working to get rid of this, I feel a great battle going on inside. It's almost physical - a struggle between my spirit and my 'natural man'. This has been so much a part of me for so long that I feel myself fighting to keep it. Why?! Why would I want to hold onto something so negative? Because Satan has tricked me for so long, making me think that my feelings of guilt were actually helping me to become a better person. I don't know how to overcome this, but thankfully I don't have to do it alone. I am very grateful for prayer. I am grateful for the scriptures and for the incredible gift and power of the Holy Ghost. I felt that I needed to do this post to get some of these feelings and thoughts out of me. My next step is my journal where I'll be able to go a little deeper. Any advice would be appreciated from you, my dear friends and fellow bloggers. I know that I can't be alone. And it's okay if your first response is laughter or an eye roll...I forgave my mom. Just be sure to follow it up with an "Oh sweetie." :)
8 comments:
Ok Dana, I have to admit that I got a good laugh over you telling your Mom to tell you that you were a wonderful, great person. (Which you most definitely are...) and I love her "Oh sweetie," response.
I think that you are being way too hard on yourself, sister! To me it seems like when we feel guilty we are mad at ourselves for not being perfect and obviously nobody is perfect. True, we should all strive to be the best person that we can be, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up in the process. Heavenly Father doesn't want you to feel unhappy and guilty. Like you said, that is just Satan trying to bring you down and doubt yourself.
Dana, if I were you I would just keep praying about it and I bet that you will notice that gradually the guilt will fade. I'm sure it won't go away overnight, but I am positive that it will get better.
I ♥ U tons!!
We learn. We grow. We become better "versions" of ourselves. (I liked that).
This was a great real post. Thanks for sharing and being personal.
LOVE YOU.
Remember your "Is everybody Watching?" :) Your story about telling mom to tell you how wonderful you are reminded me of that! :)
But seriously I love you so much Dana! You really are a wonderful, beautiful & great person! I admire you for putting it out there and reminding all of us that we need to constantly be working on becoming the best person we can be!
Okay, so it literally is an addiction. Your neurons in your brain have chemical receptors. Your hypothalamus in your body produces chemicals based on what feelings or emotions you are feeling. Your cells get predisposed to certain levels of these chemicals and that is why we become slave to our habits and our thoughts because we have these little cells screaming at us to give them more of that emotion that produces that chemical. Crazy, no? You literally have to rewire your brain in order to change habits like guilt. NASA scientists have done several crazy studies that show that it takes 30 consecutive days to form a new habit or break an old habit. If you stop at 15 days or miss a day here or there, you have to start over at day 1 again and make it through day 30 before your cells are weaned and your neurons are literally rewired. That is what I call overcoming the natural man!
Heavenly Father is a pretty smart Heavenly Dude (is that too blasphemous?) Learning these sorts of things makes me in perpetual awe of the intricacy of all of His creations! Amen and amen to everyone saying He doesn't want you to feel guilty. I don't see guilt anywhere in the scripture "men are that they might have joy."
Love ya, Sweetie. You are so awesome. I want to be like you when I grow up.
Alright so the whole thing that started my month of getting rid of guilt (in my new years goals) is that I was tired of it. It dawned on me in Sacrament meeting while singing the hymn that says "a sinless sacrifice for guilt" that the guilt can also be the feeling I was feeling, not just the "i've done something really awful" kind of guilt. That's when i let it go. I don't think He wants us to feel that way. I think we need to realize what we've done and if we don't like it then stop. It's much harder then that but that is the jist of it. There's my two cents.
It was interesting to read your post on this, because I've realized lately that I do the same thing. I focus constantly on things I do not do, instead of the things that I do accomplish. And then I beat myself up about it. Like you said, I do it because I think that it will bring improvement. I'm learning that all it does is make me feel rather depressed! Unfortunately, it's something I haven't figured out how to change.
I think it's awesome that you are working so hard to better yourself and overcome what I think is a huge struggle.
Love ya, Danalin.
Oh DD-lin. My big sister, you are constantly being such a great example to me. Thanks for that.
I've struggled with this (or my own version of this) for years now. My mom even wanted me to go see a counselor back in the day about it. My problem is that I guilt myself, but I also assume guilt from others that I know they didn't intend. I overbook myself and stress out so that I won't feel guilt from others. Weird, I know. Anyway - my point in telling you this is that it can be managed. It can be overcome with the Lords help. The big thing Dana, is that you realize that it's happening. Once you realize that you are feeling quilt you can determine what you are going to do about it. Your mind can't just make those decisions for you anymore.
I know you will get over this, just like you always accomplish anything that you put your mind to.
Love you!!!
Okay, Dana...I wanted to post a while ago, but didn't get to it. Ironically enough, I gave a talk recently on finding balance in our lives (ironic b/c I SO do NOT have balance) and I KNOW we all feel guilty over the fact that our lives get out of balance and that we feel we aren't good enough at EVERYTHING. But I also know that this guilt comes from Satan. He wants us to think we aren't good enough. I love a quote I found from Robert Millet that said we need not have "pseudo-self-reliance", meaning that we must not rely on ourselves AT ALL but that we need to rely on the Lord to make up for those things where we think we fail. We can't be perfect but we just do our best. When we feel guilty that we aren't perfect, we're letting Satan win. I know, for sure, that you are truly trying your best and that's what counts--the Lord can make up the rest.
I think you're the best.....Have a beautiful day.....
Post a Comment