Looking Back

I have been thinking a lot about the reality of what is about to happen. There is no going back! This little person inside of me is going to want to come out and greet the world (hopefully!). Tyler and I are so anxious and excited, as we have mentioned many times. We both had dreams about him being born last night. In Tyler's dream I experienced no pain with the delivery and both myself and the doctor were surprised to see that the baby had already come out! I really like that dream. Ty also said that he was disappointed in the dream because Max wasn't very cute. In my dream, he came out HUGE! The size of a 3-year-old! I was trying to nurse him and just couldn't make it work because he was so big. He had a baby face, but a huge head and body; and again was not very cute. :( I don't think we're really worried about the "cute" factor, but it's funny to me because that seems to be a common theme in our baby dreams.

Even with the dreams and watching "A Baby Story" on TLC, I guess that this pregnancy is just so familiar that I feel like it isn't REALLY going to end. I have shed a few tears in the past few days, though, thinking about not being pregnant anymore. It is the most miraculous thing I have ever been a part of. It is hard for me to express how much I love not only the movements, but the spiritual connection that I share with this baby while he is inside of me. I don't think that I want to really try to express it because it is something quite personal to me. And yet, every woman who has ever been, or ever will be pregnant will have that same opportunity and very similar feelings. I know that there is so much more joy and wonder ahead, but I cannot help mourning the thought of being done with this time and these feelings. I love when he gets the hiccups and I feel him moving consistently for a few minutes. I love to watch the big rolling movements.

These feelings and thoughts have caused me to look back on the past 9 months...

• Back to last July when Tyler and I decided to start trying for a baby and the new level of importance that brought to our marriage.
• Back to late August and the two negative pregnancy tests that gave me the confidence to go to Six Flags New England. I was very relieved to find out that should not have any negative effects on the baby...he just might like roller coasters!
• And just a week later to have two more tests say just the opposite! Back to that day when I first found out and the way that I told Tyler and the state of shock/excitement/awe that we were in.
• Back to telling our families and friends.
• Back to the first ultrasound that caused the doctor to wonder if we hadn't miscarried and the very emotional week until the next ultrasound where we saw our healthy, growing baby for the first time. So tiny, but with a heartbeat and beginning to form!
• Back to the ultrasound just 6 weeks later that left us amazed! Legs and arms were flailing and the little 'gummy bear' we had seen previously had completely transformed and seemed to have quadrupled in size.
• Back to the nausea that I always hoped would get some relief by "losing my lunch", but that only happened two times. I don't know if bacon will ever again be a part of my life. Eggs were hard to handle for a little while, as was chicken.
• Back to the first time I wore a maternity shirt. It was much too big, but the regular clothes weren't fitting and I didn't have much of a choice. Plus I was excited about starting to show! I never thought that I would be big enough to fill in some of the clothes that my friends in New York let me borrow...now some of them are too small! I made Tyler go maternity clothes shopping with me and wanted him to be as excited as I was and react more like my mom or sisters would. Poor guy is so patient with me and was such a great sport.
• Back to the first time we heard the heartbeat. I hope that I never forget the look on Tyler's face when we heard it. It really is the most incredible sound; I love to hear it!
• Back to the December ultrasound with Doc Foster. It was the neatest ultrasound of my pregnancy! And the best ultrasound pictures that we have. I loved having my in-laws there and all of the time that Mark spent looking at our little one. I loved hearing the heartbeat at the same time as seeing him on the screen. And I really did love that month of preparing for a girl...we know that she is up there and we already feel a connection to her.
• Back to the first time I felt him move...I wasn't completely sure and so I called my sister and explained the feeling, which she validated. After that, Tyler would make me lie on my tummy on the floor while he put his hand on my stomach to try and feel the little flutters. It was never successful, but he said that he was the dad and should be able to feel it as well! :)
• Back to the ultrasound with Dr. Skory that showed something we hadn't previously seen - we were having a BOY! It took a little while for that to sink in, but we hadn't ever had a preference and were, of course, thrilled!!!
• Back to everyone around us being able to recognize that I was pregnant. We, and they, thought my belly was big at 6 months! That was the cute stage of my pregnancy. :)
• Back to the first time that Tyler felt him move. Again, I hope that I never forget the look on his face and all of his excitement!
• Back to the baby showers and the New York goodbyes. Lots of sadness that our friends there wouldn't be around to meet the little man.
• Back to meeting Dr. Zarnecki, the cute doc from Poland with a good sense of humor who will be the man to see us through to the end.
• Back to the moving into our apartment after nearly a month in a hotel and being so very anxious and excited to set up the nursery! We got the crib together and not long afterward had the changing table, glider rocker, stroller & car seat all set up and ready to go. And there they still sit, waiting to be used by Maxwell Tyler Foster.
• Back to the beginning of the BIG movements. The kind that change the whole shape of the belly and that Tyler can see, not just feel.
• Back to these past months of sitting in his room and daydreaming about what it will be like when he is here...walking past the room and seeing Tyler in there on the glider rocker doing the same thing.

And now, here we are. Down to weekly appointments (the last of which told us that I am 50% effaced, but not dilated), waiting any day for the big event! As you can tell by the length of this blog, I have a lot of time on my hands. I can't wait for those hands to be busy holding my son and changing his diapers and discovering what it is to be a mother! Soon enough. For now, I love this time to think back and try to cherish this miracle of pregnancy and all that I have physically and emotionally been through to get to this point.

I will never be the same...in many ways. And I am so glad.